


When I look and find, I still love you.

by LetMeEntertainYou



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Angst, Autistic!John, Gen, freddie dies so theres that but we all know that, idk - Freeform, then fluff..kinda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-03-30 20:18:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19034929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LetMeEntertainYou/pseuds/LetMeEntertainYou
Summary: “Do you think death could ever stop me from loving you?”





	When I look and find, I still love you.

**Author's Note:**

> My blog is Disabled-Queen-HC and InHopeIBreathe on tumblr.

“Do you think death could ever stop me from loving you?”

It was a such a poignant question yet far too abstract to comprehend. Did anyone have an answer? Could anyone answer? Could he? He could barely wrap his mind around the thought. He couldn’t process it further than one dimensionally. And it seemed death could.

Death took away. It took away people, bodies, lives and most importantly, love. It took away the vessel of your affections, leaving you bleeding out love with no one to give it to. Until you drowned in it.

John shook his head, lips opening and closing uselessly. There weren’t enough words to express what he felt. All he knew was that if Freddie died, he’d die too. Maybe it’d take decades for his body to fail and stop, but he would’ve been long gone by then.

Freddie smiled, grabbing John’s hand into his own, skinny and dry one, giving it a squeeze. His eyes were sunken in, the bags made to look purple by the sunlight pouring in from the window. His hair was all wispy, a shadow of its former thick curly glory. He looked so sickly and frail, a terrifying degradation from just a few months ago. He used to be the biggest man in the world, but now, he looked so small. But John felt smaller, kneeling by his bedside, fighting back the tears.

“John, I know it’s difficult to believe, but I’m not leaving you. My body won’t be here, but I’m not going anywhere,” Freddie said, his teeth looking big in his mouth.

For John, it wasn’t difficult to believe, it was difficult to understand. “But, you’re _dying_ , Fred. _Dying_. They’ll put you under the ground and that’ll be it. I’ll be all alone and I don’t want to be alone. I don’t like being alone,” John said, his voice threatening to crack. He wanted to run away, hide and scream. His palms were twitching, begging to let out some angry flaps. But Freddie called him over. He needed to listen to what he had to say.

“You’ll never be alone, okay? Roger and Brian wouldn’t allow that. And neither will I,” Freddie said, his own voice sounding thick, although it always sounded thick these days.

“It doesn’t make sense. When my dad died, that was it. He didn’t come back, because it’s impossible,” John’s mind ran through brief memories of his father’s passing. He was only 11 but didn’t understand the concept of the permanence of death. Even after seeing his father’s stiff corpse in the casket, he asked his mum when he’d come back home.

As an adult, he knew better now. He knew dead meant gone forever. He didn’t understand how Freddie could still be with him when he died.

Freddie was pensive for a moment, bringing John’s knuckles up to his cracked lips, pressing a few kisses into them. “You know how Brian is a scientist?” he asked. John nodded.

“And how he goes around saying energy can’t be created nor destroyed?” John nodded again.

“Think of my love for you as an energy. When I pass, it’s not going with me. It’s not disappearing. It’s gonna stay with you. And as long as you have bits of me with you, you won’t be alone. It’ll be different. We can’t talk like this anymore. But you can talk to me and I’ll hear it. I’ll know when you’re sad or happy. I’ll be here for you,”

John looked down, a few tears leaking from his eyes. He was trying so hard to be open minded, but nothing made sense.

“I’ll miss you so much,” was the only thing he could think to say. Freddie squeezed his hand, mouth forming a tight line.

“I know. I’ll miss you too,”

“I don’t know what I’ll do without you…I don’t think I can do this again, Fred. I don’t think I can,” John said, throat tightening as the tears fell faster.

“Nonsense. You’re a fighter. I raised you that way, didn’t I?” Freddie tried to be humorous, but John didn’t find it funny. His world was shifting, and it was going to shatter any day now. His foundation, his rock. It was going to disappear, and he didn’t know how to cope with it. He tried ignoring Freddie’s illness and then Freddie himself, but it didn’t work. He knew Freddie was on borrowed time. He wanted to die too. Die with Freddie. It was the only way he imagined he could deal with this all.

Freddie sighed, his grip on John’s hand faltering. His fingers went to John’s face, wiping away some tears before he cupped his chin, bringing him up to eye level.

“Look at my boy. The sweetest heart I’ve ever seen. I’m so sorry I’m going to break it. I wouldn’t had I known. But you’ll make it through, alright?” he whispered, his strength leaving him. It was time for a nap soon. John shook his head no, unable to imagine a scenario where he came out the other end even remotely okay.

Freddie’s hands cradled John’s cheeks, his brown eyes so genuine and fond, even when facing death. “I’m so honored you gave me the privilege of being your best friend, your father, your brother. John, I’m so sorry I’m leaving you sooner than expected. I love you and that’ll never change. Even when I’ve gone cold. The love we have for each other is beyond this realm. Cosmic. Nothing can get in its way,”

John was sobbing, his whole body trembling. He didn’t want to hear those words. He didn’t want to think those things. He wanted Freddie to get better. He wanted to grow old with Freddie. He wanted to spend so many more days with him. He wanted Freddie’s big laugh and teasing. He wanted Freddie to look at during concerts. He wanted Freddie’s arms to lay in after rough days. He wanted Freddie. He _needed_ him.

Freddie was strong but struggling. He pressed his lips to John’s forehead, looking up hoping to prevent any tears of his own. Saying goodbye to someone you felt you raised wasn’t easy, but Freddie did have it easier. In some days or weeks’ time, he wouldn’t be feeling anymore. It’d be John’s job to carry all that pain by himself. It wasn’t fair but it was life.

“I love you so much John. I’ll be here, just you see. Every yellow ladybug you come across, that’s me. I always looked so good in yellow,” Freddie said, voice dipping and crackling, trying so hard to put on a smile and to give one to John.

John only cried harder, clambering onto the bed to be closer to Freddie. They hugged for what felt like hours, whispering goodbyes and I love you’s, wiping away each other’s tears. Even when Freddie fell asleep, physically unable to stay awake. Even when Jim came in to see how everyone was doing.

John didn’t leave until late that night, a crack in his heart having formed. He knew things would only get worse from there but at least they talked. At least John was beginning to understand.

♚

John never liked suits. There were too many layers, too many fabrics, all rubbing up against him uncomfortably. He especially hated the ties. He used clip-ons instead, but that didn’t make him feel even marginally better.

He was fiddling with his black tie that was flapping wildly in the wind as he stood outside his home. He wondered if he ripped it off and let the wind carry it away, would Freddie be mad? Freddie said he wanted everyone to look sharp for his funeral, obsessing over fashion even on his death bed.

And Freddie said he would be watching, although John didn’t feel any eyes on him. He was always good at knowing when people were staring at him.

But Freddie also said he wanted him to be happy. John wasn’t happy. He wouldn’t be for a long time, maybe for the rest of his life. He wasn’t too sure how he felt about that, but he did know that if he took the stupid tie off, he’d feel a little bit better. For now, that seemed to be his only course of action. Making things better, not happier.

John reached into his shirt collar, plucking off the tie. He held it in his hand, looking down at the muted fabric, running a thumb alongside it. He had the urge to throw it but thought it was a stupid idea. He was going to clip it back on, prepared for discomfort in an even more uncomfortable situation, when something fell onto the tie.

A spec of yellow.

John squinted, blinking his eyes. There, padding carefree and aimlessly on his tie, was a ladybug. A yellow one.

John’s stomach flopped and fluttered, his eyes becoming wet. He had that familiar nagging feeling of a pair of eyes on him.

“H-Hi, Fred,” he stammered, his lips tugging upwards. The ladybug stopped in it’s tracks before continuing its mindless wanderings.

“I miss you, you know. Lot’s. B-But, I’ll get through this. ‘Cuz I love you and you love me,”

The ladybug’s wings opened, readying itself for flight. John figured it was a goodbye, but when the little bug took off, it flew right to his nose, staying there for a few moments. John gasped, his smile turning into a grin.

“I love you too,” he whispered.

And then, the yellow bug was off, taking off into the sky. The only ladybug alive in England during November.

John was stunned, having to take some time to process and appreciate what happened. A rather large gust of wind rattled him from his thoughts, his eyes going back down to the tie on his hand. He palmed it before he simply let go, the black tie whizzing into the air, farther and farther until it was gone. Out of sight.

Just then, he heard tires rolling on his pavement, followed by a honk of the horn. It was Roger, his ride to the funeral.

John walked down the driveway, flashing Roger a genuine smile when their eyes met. Roger was a little surprised to see John so together, having expected him to need to be dragged to the car. He unlocked the car, looking over at John who slipped into the passenger seat.

“How are you, Deacy?” he asked softly, unsure of John’s true state.

“I’m fine,” John replied. He was fine. He wasn’t whole or happy, but he was fine. He could do this. Now more so than just five minutes ago.

“Fantastic,” Roger said, putting the car into reverse, stepping on the breaks almost immediately.

“No tie?” he asked, looking at John’s getup.

John shook his head with a laugh. “No. Freddie said I don’t need to wear one.”

Roger hummed, figuring this was prearranged. He continued his trek out of John’s house and to the funeral home.

“That’s nice of him,” he said absentmindedly, more in his own head and feelings then in the present.

John hummed a reply, looking at the world outside the car window. If he focused hard enough, he could still see his tie out there, flying along the wind current, flapping and wriggling in the breeze. Utterly free.

_These are the days of our lives._

_They've flown in the swiftness of time._

_These days are all gone now but some things **remain** ,_

_When I look and I find, no change._


End file.
